5 Tips for Making and Maintaining Adult Friends

Isn’t the aforementioned quote beautiful? As soon as I discovered it, I knew it deserved a cinematic background showcasing friends joyously lost in their own world. This is what true friendship looks like.

However, from the standpoint of adult friendship, Rob Lowe’s practical, less pretty quote nails it even better:

“Adult friendships are hard. Everyone is busy and life happens. I’ve learned you’ve gotta text people when you’re thinking of them. A simple, ‘thinking of you, hope all is well’, really goes a long way.”

Making and maintaining friends as an adult is rife with complexity. There are so many hiccups preventing us from connecting. Logistical issues. Bone-deep exhaustion. An endless list of tasks to be completed. Most of all, our adult lives are often defined by the demands we meet for other people. Our days aren’t entirely our own, and making the effort to prioritize friendships necessarily requires us to be uncomfortably selfish.

Except cultivating friendships isn’t selfish at all. Engaging with friends is actually a necessity for our overall wellbeing. People who maintain close friendships throughout their lives are less likely to die from all causes, while isolated individuals face a higher risk of premature death. Spending time with good friends, then, isn’t simply fun - it’s also a key component of healthful living.

But how to do make time for our friends when we’ve never had more stimuli competing for our attention? When the line between work and play has never been more blurred? We could spend the rest of our lives giving our time over to more “important” matters. Many do.

And because I’m often one of them, I’ve been pondering how I’ve maintained the solid friendships I have. I’m by no means perfect and I’m no one’s self-help guru BUT - and this is key - I am a writer. We’re super content in our solitude. We can make do with snacks, a deadline, and a strong Wi-Fi connection. We can theoretically even make up friends if we need them. So, if these tried-and-true tips have worked to help me maintain social ties, I have to think that they’ll work for you. Fair warning, though: they’re not for the faint of heart. I’ve gathered them from my own life experience and from watching those whom I respect most. Every single one, unfortunately, requires less typing and more action.

Tip 1: Be The First

When my first son was a few months old, I didn’t know anyone near me who had a baby. I had a lot of love and support in my life, but I didn’t have a friend nearby who knew the unique brand-new-mom struggles I was facing. One day, we were going through the motions of our obligatory tummy time - and my little one hated tummy time. I remember looking at his big blue eyes and saying, “I think you need to be socialized.”

I told me three-month-old, a tiny human without basic head and neck control, that he needed friends. Why? Because it was easier than admitting out loud that I did.

We joined a local Gymboree class, and in time, my social group expanded. Yet weeks went by, and I often left my new friends behind when class ended. I found it frustrating when Gymbo, the giant clown-puppet, cut off our connection after forty-five minutes. I realized I had to take action. So, I gathered up my courage and I set up a playdate in a park that wasn’t Gymbo-dependent. These friendships were not long-lasting for me, but they mattered so much during those bleary-eyed years. Some friendships are seasonal. Yet in my mind, they’re as valid as all the rest.

I had to be the first. I had to make the ask, and I remember feeling uncomfortable. Now, I can’t imagine the empty spaces I would’ve lived inside without those playdates, without my nascent community. I haven’t always been the first, but I’m proud of every memory where I’ve stepped up that way. The first step to being the first begins long before the ask, though. The first step in this instance actually happened at home when I admitted to myself (and my baby) that I needed something more. The first step happened when I was brave enough to be selfish.

Tip 2: Find Common Ground - Then Narrow It

At any age, we make friends most easily when we share common interests and life experiences. Think of that friend in college who lived down the hall, the friend who splits the cost of season tickets with you, or the co-worker who meets you for lunch at your favorite spot. We aren’t simply whiling away the hours with these people. We’re bearing witness to each other’s lives, with every ordinary moment offering a porthole into another inimitable person. Showing up this way is a way of showing others that they matter.

Sometimes, these casual hangouts are sufficient. Acquaintance friends can play pivotal roles in our lives, too. Sometimes, though, we hope to deepen them. That’s when we have to narrow the gap.

Recently, a massive, seismic reckoning occurred in my life: the league broke up my son’s baseball team. He was bewildered. I was devastated. I’m not one of those who parents who lives vicariously through my child’s sports - I’m not nearly athletic enough for that. I might be one of those parents who wants a child to play a sport indefinitely because I love the team. Guity as charged, actually.

I loved the baseball team players and their families. I still do! (And thank goodness that I loved those families because what could be more interminable than kid-pitch baseball in a tense, toxic sideline environment? Nothing.) I realized very quickly that I needed to hang out with baseball parents … outside of baseball. Other people might’ve made this leap sooner, but it took me time to pivot.

Yet once we made plans outside of baseball, we had an opportunity to nurture our relationships in a different way. Conversation could be leisurely. We talked about ourselves more and our children less. We got to know each other better. Also, happily, no one ever had to duck.

On our own terms, relationships can bloom differently. Here, we demonstrate bravery by testing a relationship in a new setting and giving it a chance to surprise us.

Tip 3: Be Kind and Consolidate

I’m continually amazed at the forced inclusivity throughout my children’s childhood. Everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets a classroom award. Everyone gets an invitation to the birthday party. By comparison, my own childhood was a Lord of the Flies free-for-all. I do recognize that many friends of mine are critical of this happy, illusory bubble we’ve erected around them, but I’m intrigued by it.

Because when our children grow up, their kneejerk reaction might be to expand their tribe. They might invite more and exclude less. They might remember their kindergarten manners. With any luck, they’ll recognize the act of intentionally leaving someone out as an itchy sort of unkindness. Maybe they’ll be brave enough to let others in.

I’m in the United States, and the Surgeon General declared loneliness an epidemic in my country in 2023. What’s most heartbreaking about this declaration is how clueless experts appear to be in finding a solution to resolve it. They conduct big, sweeping inquiries that have no answers. Meanwhile, all around, we’re surrounded by many, many lonely people.

On a micro level, one of the kindest actions we can take as adults is to consolidate our friend groups. To invite someone to a function and encourage them to bring along someone else. To be the bridge between existing relationships and new ones. To execute on the intuitive sense that people you know - who don’t yet know each other - might get along.

It’s not only a bold, big-hearted move - it’s also often more fun. Conversation can shine brighter with fresh faces and new stories, as everyone endeavors to make their best first impression. And, at the end of the day, we can sit with pride in the knowledge that we were a bridge this way.

Tip 4: Make It About Something Bigger Than You

Obviously, I joined Gymboree to make new friends - but there was a selfless component braided into my selfishness. I also wanted to my son to be raised with deep communal ties. Looking out for his best interests made it easier to meet my own.

Sometimes, make a meetup about something bigger or someone else takes the pressure off. There’s not only the warm sense within that we’re acting with purpose, but also - practically speaking - a common purpose gives us another focal point. In those difficult seasons when we’d rather not discuss some personal hurdle, a compellingly useful activity can be a welcome distraction.

A good friend of mine recently made something very special happen this way. She orchestrated a civic event in our community where she highlighted her heritage with baked goods which were sold for charity. Not only did she raise a tremendous amount for St. Jude, she also imbued the lead-up to her special event with purpose and playfulness. She invited a group of us to her house to help her bake over a few days. She deepened connections with other women from the same background. By the time we all gathered for her event, everyone had a vested interest in helping her succeed. And it was fun!

I realized that day that what we all really want is an access point. So many of us would love an opportunity to connect, but many of the community structures that would help us get there have fallen away. As soon as there is an opportunity - as soon as someone is brave enough to be the first, we’ll often find a crowd willing to show up and support us.

However, there’s one important caveat to any invitation.

Tip 5: Let Them Decline

As Rob Lowe wisely noted, we know that adult friendships matter - but we’re all so busy. We’re often living our lives in service to others. Our families, our employers, and our practical, mundane needs will often come before any gathering. However much we’d like to come, we often can’t.

Saying “no” has to always be okay.

Last fall, I said “no” to a good friend three times in a row. In the first two instances, there were scheduling difficulties. However, the third time, I simply felt terrible. I said no, immediately and selfishly, because I wanted to go home, drink tea, and take a bath. As soon as I began apologizing, my friend cut me off. I’ll never forget her looking at me with a big grin and saying, “No worries! Next time!”

When we let people say “no,” we reveal ourselves to be safe people. We show our friends that we recognize that they’re adults with agency and that we trust their word. We show them that they don’t need to account their time to us. Most importantly, we reveal that they can trust us not to control them, manipulate them, or to try to bend them to our will.

In that moment, my friend’s innate grace shone like a beacon. I remember my entire (very achy) body relaxing with relief. To not have to explain myself felt like such a gift. Naturally, we’ve come together many, many times since then. Perhaps letting other people off the hook is also an act of trust. When we let people say they can’t make it, we trust that a relationship is strong enough to endure an absence. We show that we care about them enough to trust their judgment and to let them go.

Adult friendships are treasures, particularly because they’re so hard to make and to maintain. When another adult willfully gives us their hours, they’re letting us know that we matter. That we’re seen. That we’re not ever really alone. We should be proud whenever we can make these fleeting moments of joy happen for each other.

These are my tips, but they’re ambiguous at best. If you send yours my way, I’d love to share a more comprehensive post in the future filled with our best ideas. Happy Weekend, friends! Here’s hoping that you’re giving away some of your hours to your favorite people.