Are #SquadGoals the End Goal?
Image by Andrea Riondino via Unsplash
Is there a dark side to a tribe?
It’s been nearly a decade since Taylor Swift put her tribe at the forefront of her success. In 2015, the media salivated not only for details about Swift’s 1989 album but also about her “squad.” Her friend group consisted of a glittering mix of supermodels, actresses, and musicians. Swift featured many of them in her “Bad Blood” video. While many articles applauded this celebration of female friendship, others castigated Swift for showboating with her friends on stage and monetizing her celebrity ties. Yet one essay in particular stood out for me for its unique perspective.
EJ Dickson, in her piece for Mic entitled, “The Reason Why Taylor Swift and #SquadGoals Are Totally Disturbing,” wrote about the other side of a squad. Any tight-knit friend group often results in the part we don’t talk about much. For people to be included, others must be excluded. Belonging sometimes means shutting out - or, even vilifying - other people.
As Dickson writes, “Sometimes, [female friendships] are not empowering. Sometimes, female friendships - particularly among large groups of attractive young women - can be terrifying. And this is a phenomenon that doesn’t end with high school.”
I should note here that Swift, being stratospherically famous, likely requires a close circle. In her line of work, I would imagine that a loyal, vetted squad is essential to a sense of security. In this sense, Dickson’s piece wasn’t entirely fair to Swift then - and especially not now.
Ironically, the younger Swift, who was reportedly bullied as a teen by a squad of girls, probably knows exactly what Dickson meant. I think most of the rest of us do.
In my current manuscript, one character is relentlessly scapegoated. While working on it this week, I had an insight about SUMMER TRIANGLE that I hadn’t considered. I’ve always been proud of the friendship depicted in the book for how these women steadfastly lift each other up. But it hadn’t occurred to me to be proud of them for what they don’t do. For all their flaws and clumsy moments, they don’t ever tear another woman down.
In conducting research for my manuscript, I’ve been reading ODD GIRL OUT: THE HIDDEN CULTURE OF AGGRESSION IN GIRLS by Rachel Simmons a genius, well-researched exploration into the hidden, passive-aggressive bullying common to female relationships. This book offers devastating information on the impact of bullying, from increased anxiety and depression to suicide ideation. The fall-out of feeling left out is very real. We are social creatures, and accordingly, any shunning inflicts abuse.
However, the book mentioned two other points that had never occurred to me. The first is that bullying is most prevalent in close relationships. A connection will suddenly sour in a bewildering and frightening turn for the victim. With this shift, a tribe transforms into a mob. Secondly, the book makes a point that’s so nuanced and heartbreaking to read: it feels incredible for aggressors to be in an inner circle of friendship, even if that circle is causing harm.
Obviously, bullying isn’t limited to children, to school, or to females. Every healthy relationship requires vulnerability - and likewise, carries the risk of toxicity. Too often, people learn too late that others are unsafe and untrustworthy. No matter the age, bullying takes an unquantifiable toll.
Still, even mired in a pretend story with deep roots, I hold out hope.
One way forward through all this heaviness is to look for green flags. I’ve always paid close attention to the way that my people talk about other people. Particularly when those other people aren’t in the room. I also try to notice whether the relationship brings out my best side. I’m grateful for the friends who champion more and gossip less, whose positive outlooks are contagious. I try to surround myself with people I hope to emulate.
I feel compelled to remind those who have grappled with the aftershocks of emotional abuse that good, kind-hearted people are out there. Simmon’s book notes that bullying can alter the brain, resulting in a changed worldview for survivors. They might look around our big, blue world and only see its cruelty. In reality, there are countless individuals who are waiting to reciprocate in fulfilling relationships, so many warm souls with whom their values are aligned.
As we inch closer toward the teen years in my house, my conversations about friendship have deepened. I care so much that my kids have friends. I care more that their friendships are healthy. I hope they’re filled with mutual kindness and respect, with boundaries, with love and support. I care about the way people make them feel, and the way they make others feel.
I’m relieved to be in the back of my manuscript now and to be building back healthy connections. After a climactic fall, I’ll savor witnessing these characters’ ascent toward repair and hope and peace. Because just as abuse can isolate, connection - as risky and messy as may be - can heal.
What are green flags for you in relationships? How can we make our tribes feel both safe to us and welcoming to others?
