Ladies Who Lotus
To those who celebrate, Happy White Lotus Eve!
In my house, Sunday nights have become sacred The White Lotus time. The appeal of this juggernaut show, with features quirky characters vacationing and working in paradise, is undeniable. I love it most for its gallows humor. Baked inside its wild, suspenseful storylines are bigger questions about systemic inequality, society, and relationships. Always, The White Lotus confronts modern power dynamics with a wink - and a knife.
At the end of their stay at the White Lotus resort, most characters need a vacation from their vacation.
Sunday’s episode was especially difficult to watch. Most commentators have focused on the brothers’ relationship, but I turned my gaze elsewhere. Throughout this season, I’ve found the dynamic between three women most compelling.
I’ll tread carefully here as I don’t want to give up any spoilers. But this trio ‘s bond is too heartbreakingly familiar - and too flawed - to ignore.
Kate, Laurie, and Jaclyn have been friends for years. Their vacation in Thailand begins as a beautiful reunion, full of connection and excitement. Yet their dynamic quickly turns toxic. In a revolving door of triangulation, each woman is targeted as soon as she leaves the scene. The two friends left behind immediately set to work in tearing her apart. They gossip about her life. They joke at her expense. They reveal her secrets, palming them like stolen jewels.
Neither woman steps in to save her, and ultimately, no one is spared.
“This is it,” I said to my husband, unable to look away. “This is how women are mean.”
A friend of mine once told me that she hated being the first one dropped off from carpool as a girl. When I asked why, she explained she knew her friends would talk about her as soon as she left. Unfortunately, I’m sure her memories will resonate for too many women. Too many of our formative female friendships were grounded in connections that felt unsafe.
My research into my current project has expanded my compassion for the mean girls. (I know - I’m stunned, too.) In Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Rachel Simmons confronts the passive aggression that haunts female friendships. Simmons argues that, while girls feel the same emotions as boys (anger, resentment, fear, shame), they don’t know what to do with them. Unlike boys, girls are taught to be good - and nice at all times. Because girls can’t express their feelings, they wield them subversively. They use gossip, the silent treatment, and smear campaigns as tools to let their true feelings be known.
They can’t scream, so they whisper.
Setting aside the brothers’ antics for a moment, Sunday’s episode shocked me not because the female friends engaged - but because they engaged directly. (According to Simmons’s research, honesty rarely happens in toxic friendships.) Laurie finally addresses her irritation head-on, Kate pinches her for it, and Jaclyn exposes her friends for gossiping about her.
At the end of the scene, Laurie says to Kate, “I’m not like you. Sometimes, I just have to be honest.”
I felt for Kate then, unexpectedly relegated to the trio’s scapegoat for simply continuing the group’s pattern - particularly as neither of her friends were willing to acknowledge their own bad behavior. No one apologized. No one tried to fix what was broken. The White Lotus deftly peeled back the layers of this toxic female friendship dynamic with surgical precision - and wicked humor - until the women shared little beyond silence.
Suffice it to say that I can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t express my belief that female friendship is absolutely necessary for girls and women, that our connections are colored by so much more than cruel double entendres.
No matter your gender, there’s sifting and intention involved in finding your way to your people. It’s a process. Though I’ve certainly had friendships that were less than ideal, I found my way to rich relationships by seeking out people who share my values. Now, I’m grateful to be surrounded by strong women who feel like family. These incredible, thoughtful women have given me advice as we’ve raised our children, have encouraged me when I’ve doubted myself, and have made me laugh until I’ve ached. I trust that they’re always with me in spirit.
In Summer Triangle, I endeavored to show female friendships that resemble the ones I’ve come to know and cherish. I wanted to show women at their best. Natalie, Eliana, and Allegra lean on each other as they endure separate hardships - and ultimately become more empowered individuals for their friendship. The female leads of Summer Triangle take care of each other unconditionally, even when the odd one out isn’t in the room.
So many other authors have created rich worlds where multi-dimensional women lift each other up. If you’d like to see female friendship at its best, check out books by Liana Moriarty, Kristen Hannah, Michelle Lindo-Rice, Kristen Woodsen Harvey, Isabel Allende, Natalie Jenner, Laurie Gilmore, and Sarai Johnson. Just to name a few. And for a more positive take on female friendship, be sure to check out Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship by Kayleen Schaefer.
If you have a favorite author with a body of work that celebrates female friendship, please reach out! I’d love to read their work.
Tomorrow night, my heart will belong to The White Lotus - and I’m hoping these ladies will surprise me. Who knows? Maybe the women will realize a stronger friendship for having nearly broken their bond apart. Whatever happens, I’m certain I won’t be able to look away.
