It’s All Spin
A friend suggested blog content - and really, in these trying times, true friends offer content suggestions - focusing on Summer Triangle’s theme: friendship. She thought I could write something about what makes a good adult friend. I politely, immediately declined. Even though it’s on-brand for any author to write about a book’s subject matter, I’m not in a position to dictate what makes a good friend. I’m not a self-help guru. I’m not one to preach. Moreover, I don’t normally write in such broad brushstrokes.
And while I certainly value my friends, they’re not interchangeable to me. They’re all very distinct, interesting, complex, and special individuals. When I thought about her suggestion, I couldn’t find the throughline. My friends show up for me in different ways, just as I (fingers crossed) hope to do for them. We’re all such different people that I thought we couldn’t possibly offer each other the same thing.
But we do. In one crucial sense, I believe that we do. So, here’s the one thing I’ve noticed that all my friends do without perhaps even realizing they’re doing it. It’s a great kindness, and it’s their constant, unconditional offering.
They celebrate their friends as they are, where they are.
I know this is cryptic but hear me out. We view ourselves as excellent multi-taskers. Yet in reality, we have one tab open at a time - because we can, for all of our technological innovation, still only do one thing well at a time. Every choice we make necessarily leaves another choice behind. Even as we might relish the excitement of the next step in the journey, we can also feel grief for the path not taken. This is where having a good adult friend matters most. They lift us up in our uncertainty. They remind us of who we are and imbue us with a confidence we might not yet feel.
That new part-time job you took? A good friend will be so excited for your new flexible hours, for the time you’ll have to pursue other interests - rather than suggesting you show a lack of commitment and must make do with lower pay.
That new outdoor space you created? A good friend will be so happy that you finally have the chance to entertain the way you want, that you can savor the amazing weather in the privacy of your own home - rather than pointing out that your kitchen needs to be updated and that there are bugs in the food.
That new haircut you finally found the courage to request? A good friend will love the way it brings out your eyes, frames your face, and reflects your personality - rather than saying that you looked better with longer hair … but, oh well, there’s no going back now.
You get the idea. There are only so many minutes in our days, in our lives, and there will be always the thing that we’ve chosen not to do. A good friend will help you find purpose, power, and pleasure in your actual life - rather than reminding you of the one you chose to leave behind.
As Maya says, so is life. I won’t ever remember the countless conversations I’ve had with my friends, their advice and their love and their support, but I will always remember how much better I felt after talking to them. I will never forget how they made me feel.
Of course, there’s a caveat to this thought. Sometimes, people we love make destructive choices. We can’t agree with what our friends do all the time - and I’m not suggesting that anyone fake support they don’t feel. False praise carries its own sort of toxicity. However, I’m of the firm belief that shame doesn’t inspire change, and that there is always a kind, loving way to nudge a friend in a new direction.
In Summer Triangle, Natalie reaches a low point where she second-guesses all of her recent choices. Her friend, Allegra, responds by taking each choice, one by one, and reframing them each positively. At the end of her soliloquy, Allegra reminds her that, “It’s all spin.”
Inevitably, some fragments of our adult life will be filled with suffering, and we’ll have to take an active role in our own happiness. Some choices won’t pan out. Some choices were never ours to make, nor the consequences ours to prevent. We’ll try to find meaning and joy despite our pain - because that’s what grown-ups do. Yet on the days when we simply cannot, a good friend will step in and do it for us.
