The Anonymous Hours
Long before he won the Oscar, I loved Cillian Murphy for this quote. I love his willingness to swim against the tide on this one. Because it’s contrarian, isn’t it? To insist on a delineation between a public and private life in age that revels in oversharing. I was thinking about this sentiment a lot yesterday when, following weeks of relentless speculation, Princess Catherine of Wales revealed that she has been battling cancer.
Under the circumstances, her prerecorded video showed her addressing the world with incredible poise. No one should have to offer up private medical information to the global mob, yet she masterfully walked the fine line between openness and self-protection. Still, I found it brutal to watch. Helen Lewis wrote a poignant piece in The Atlantic to this end, entitled, “I Hope You All Feel Terrible Now.”
In her essay, Lewis writes: “Kate has effectively been bullied into this statement, because the alternative - wildfire of gossip and conspiracy theories - was worse.” The conspiracy theories about her health, the jokes about her marriage, and the memes designed to belittle and bully her all demonstrate communal character flaws. Our entitlement to the people we put on pedestals. Our need to distract ourselves from real life by lifting them up and then, gleefully, tearing them down.
Alongside the hysteria, there have been ample articles addressing the misogyny at play. Jennifer Weiner wrote powerfully in her essay, “How the Windsor Women Became Human Shields” for The New York Times, about how royal women especially endure a public stoning. Weiner highlights that society demands that princesses suffer most of the blows for the crown.
I’m not enough of a royal watcher to speak to any of these things. I do however believe that, even when we don’t know personal details about public figures, we are affected when they’re pilloried. There is trickle-down, chilling effect to watching another bold-faced name sieved hatefully through the algorithms. We can’t help but notice how society delights in a fall from grace -- and this awareness keeps many in hiding.
A friend of mine talked recently about wanting to start a business, but she (who yet doesn’t have one professional social media account) worried that she’d be cancelled. Another talked about the great fear she has before posting anything at all on her public Instagram page. And when I first told people about my upcoming book, a few loved ones worried about my mental health. Stay away from the comment section, they said. Don’t hesitate to block anyone cruel, they advised.
And, for the love of God, never, ever read a review.
In light of the weekly teardowns peppering our media, they have a fair point. And I admire celebrities like Cillian Murphy for managing to grip an Oscar while holding tightly to his private life. But Kate has something to teach us here, too. There’s a quiet wisdom to how she engages with the world -- if we focus on her actions, rather than all the words she won’t say.
Yes, she’s one of the most photographed women in the world. She conducts the tricky balancing act of inhabiting a ceremonial role every single day and, when she’s off the clock, people want answers. People feel entitled to her. People think they know her. And they do - they know what she will show them. She has a public persona, yet she’s kept parts of herself private. For better mental health, I think more of us who dip our toes into the public sphere should follow her lead.
We know very little about what Kate does in her spare time - and perhaps that’s why so many were frothing at the mouth for more information. She (with good reason) stepped into the shadows. And, for the first time since marrying her prince, she was entirely gone.
Before this health crisis, we had tiny glimpses into how Kate spent her private time. Again -- I don’t know as much as I could, but I know she likes being with her children, art, nature, and something about cold swimming. She is a woman fiercely committed to her anonymous hours. She’s also someone who has been lauded for rarely putting a foot wrong in her public role. I don’t think she could have endured her role with such steely grace, for so many years, without a private escape. Maybe the key to longevity in public life is indulging in more anonymous hours - and, occasionally, in going dark.
In her statement, Kate talked about healing. She reassured her children that “I am well, and getting stronger every day by focusing on the thing that will help me heal my mind, body, and spirit.” We don’t know what Kate finds soothing to her psyche - it’s none of our business. Yet we can be assured that the most healing environment for anyone is a private one.
I pray that the world is able to give this woman her peace now. I also hope that those of us who live professionally in public spaces can take inspiration from her. There’s tremendous pressure to “be seen,” but what we choose to keep private matters most. Our anonymous hours, no matter how much we’re known to the wider world, will always be the most important ones.
